Happy Halloween!

It's that time of year everyone. Today was a wonderful day. Baby Cakes scored mad amounts of candy dressed up as a little lion and I am now exhausted. But not so exhausted I cannot announce the winners to the Anti-Zombie Plan winners.

Congratulations to Jude and Yawgsmulder for their awesome entries. Mitchell and I decided to call it a draw, and not because there were only two entries. They were equally detailed, convincing and hilarious. We shall reward you both accordingly.

Now for the fun part: everyone read and enjoy the entries. Since I believe in ladies first, here's Jude's:

Now I'm probably NOT the most likely candidate for a leader, but I do
have the beginnings of a plan. First the locale ... I'm thinking
California, specifically the Hollywood area.The climate is much nicer
than it is here in Illinois, and fits into my basic plan. I think the
Base Camp should be Fredericks of Hollywood, which is where the FIRST
LINE of DEFENSE will start.

Since the Undead want flesh and brains, this is where it all falls
into place. We gather all the "Starlets" and put them on the front
line ... why you ask? Because they have very little flesh of their
own due to extreme dieting and silicone enhancements. And Lord knows
there isn't a lot of gray matter. That should keep the UN busy for a
while trying to figure that mess out.

Now, with me as your Leader,( who at my age doesn't have as much flesh
as gristle) I will have my Power Wheelz Barbie Jeeps(@ $45.00 apiece)
strapped to my feet and be marshaling our second line of defense.
Here's where the beauty comes in ... we have five staggered lines of
Con Queso eating, Natural Ice swilling, flame throwing belchers. With
every burp, a trigger pull will advance the flames ever farther to be
followed up by a platoon of the SKOLers!!!

SKOLers have the ability to think they are invincible (to wit, any
Saturday night at 3am in a bar parking lot!!) After the UN sees that
spectacle, I'm fairly sure that they will retreat to the crypt of
their choice and beg the Underworld to leave them there.

My budget:
5 flame throwers 500.00
2 setspowerWheelz@45.00 90.00
60 bottles of Skol 300.00
14 cases Natural Ice 98.00
----------
total $988.00

A savings on the budget of 12.00. Better than Wall Street can do!
Anyone can smuggle whatever they want into camp,especially White
Castles. They would only add to the fight!!

***

And now, Yawgsmulder's award-winning entry:

First off, I want to say that I am violating my own personal rules by even discussing this plan on how to deal with the zombies. Even when dead, those brain eating bastages manage to retain some aspects of their former selves and have been known to use that information to infiltrate hiding spots where they proceed to eat the brains of their former friends. So with that in mind, I am spending $200 on a shotgun to personally defend myself because, if the movies have taught me anything, I'm going to run into one of you in your undead form somewhere down the line.

Ok, with that out of the way, lets get down to business. The United States has over 300 million people. Keeping that in mind, I've decided that the appropriate thing to do is to flee once Z-Day is upon us. Where to go? I'm glad you asked because we are all going to head to ....Wasilla, Alaska! Look at the positives, its got a total population of less than 10 thousand, the state has a Governor that is capable of dropping a moose from a helicopter, imagine what she could do to zombies, and lastly there is ice on the ground most of the year, so its going to be hard for them to sneak up on you when they are falling on their undead asses every few seconds.

This is a mult-pronged plan, so we will also proactively take it to our undead adversaries. So, we will pay The Nuge his $62.99 appearance fee and charge him with assassinating key members of the pro-zombie movement. Considering his flamboyant opposition to our cause, I would label River as a high quality target. Since he is a rock star, The Nuge can simply materialize on a stage in one of Riv's favorite drinking establishments. After doing a few shots together, The Nuge will use a special silver guitar pick to take River out of commission. I know silver is meant for Werewolves, but after seeing some of Riv's pictures, I think its better to be safe than sorry. In a bit of zombie irony, The Nuge will proceed to eat River's brains in front of the cheering crowd. Since this action will likely turn The Nuge into a zombie himself, he will drink a can of soda while simultaneously eating a pack of Pop Rocks. The resulting explosion will rid us of an even more Undead Nuge as well as any of Riv's pro-zombie followers.

As the leader of the Anti-Zombie movement, I will require transportation. Because of this, $45 bones will be dropped on the Powerwheelz Barbie Jeep. I anticipate the government's response to the zombie threat to be weak and inefficient. So, while we survive, we are going to need a lot of booze. So lets just drop $500 bucks on vodka. As it is cold in Alaska, we will need to find ways to stay warm. Instead of spending a hundred bucks on a generator, we are going to stay warm using body heat. Anticipating that there probably wont be enough women to go around, we will have to set aside some of the budget on Blow Up Sarah Palin dolls. If need be, people can just reuse the same one over and over again. After all, there are starving kids in Africa without Sarah Palin Blow Up Dolls.

According to Al Gore, the global warming problem should be enough to melt all the zombies away within a few years. To last that long, we will use about $100 bucks on Cheetos and canned foods. I'm not going to waste money on water. I'm crazy right? Crazy like a fox! Remember, we are in Alaska, and we will have lots of water once the ice starts melting! So there you have it, throw in some gubment cheese for $20 bucks and the rest will be used on Rope and Duct Tape for those who oppose my leadership. In a few years, we rebuild the human race with lots and lots of sex.

$200 Shotgun
$50 ammo
$500 vodka
$45 Barbie Powerwheelz
$62.99 The Nuge
$1 Pop Rocks and Can of Coke
$50 Sarah Palin Blow Up Dolls
$50 Canned Food/Cheetoes
$20 Goverment Cheese
$10 Nylon Rope
$10 Duct Tape

Total: $998.99

***

That was kick ass, you two. Thanks for entering and showing all the schmos standing by the sidelines how it's done!

The Right To Bear Arms-- Against The Undead!

It is time. The battle lines have been drawn, and new information has come to light. As we draw nearer to All Hallows' Eve, we must choose the leader of the Counter Zombie Insurgency, because River and his people have exposed their Pro-Zombie agenda. We must be ready to fight. Furthermore, we have to outdo them.

To that end, we are hosting a contest to elect that leader. In order to determine who has the best plan, we'll need our faithful readers to come together to demonstrate their capabilities to lead us to salvation. We've amassed a catalog of items and have an allowance of $1,000 for each candidate. Whoever can best use their allowance and most creatively hatch a plan to ensure the safety of the human race will win.

Points will be awarded for use of visual aids and photographs. While we've provided a list of supplies, finding base camp and shelter is entirely up to you. You may acquire your base through either legal or illegal means. Those means may be called into judgment for better or worse, but don't let it get in the way of your plan. Just post it in the comments section, and we'll do the rest.


Supplies
Shotgun--$200
Handgun--$100
Flame thrower--$100
Generator--$100
Fully stocked First Aid kit--$20
PowerWheelz Barbie Jeep--$45
Box of ammo--$10
Sixteen inch novelty bow tie--$15
The Nuge--$62.99
Sarah Palin blow up doll--$25
20 LB Propane tank--$40
Hunting knife--$50
Cardboard cutout of Henry Winkler as the Fonz--$15
MagLite with charger--$20
Al Qaeda brand box cutter--$5
100 ft. nylon rope--$10
Duct tape--$2

Food
5 gallon jug of water--$5
Brick of government cheese--$2
Pop Rocks--$0.50/pack
Canned foods of all kinds--$0.50 ea
Cheetos--$2
Case of Natural Ice--$7
Al Qaeda con queso in a can--$0.75
Organic soy cheese--Free
750ml Skol vodka--$5

All contestants will earn a featured spot in the hallowed pages of Shoulda Woulda Coulda, but only one entrant will win the coveted first prize: for Illinois winners, a viewing of the film Quarantine with Nora; for Kansas winners, a viewing of the film with Mitchell, and for those who aren't lucky enough to live near SWC principals, we will hook you up with two tickets in your own city. But we won't buy the popcorn and Jujubees.

No Zombie Love, Indeed

Sorry, River. We here at SWC are serious about our anti-zombie sentiments. While I respect your desire to be contrary, we can't let you and your ilk pose a threat to the human race, especially so close to Halloween when the undead are at their wiliest. We hereby challenge you and your Pro-Zombie followers to a duel.

Stay tuned for details!

How Far Have We Really Come?

Ratherto, when it comes to The Sky Is Falling situations, you always bring it back to the obvious threat: zombies. Well, we at SWC haven't come very far in our strategy since The Nuge so rudely dismissed our first attempt to solve the crisis.

We have a lot of work to do, people. Stay strong and get busy. The Sky Is Falling.

PS: Bawk bawk.

Zombies? SWC's Gonna Go Down Fighting

We've been thinking a lot, in light of recent discussions on this blog, about the threat of zombie invasion. It's scary as hell, and seems more and more inevitable, what with global warming and all. The best suggestion circulating around this blog so far has been to shack up with Ted Nugent. He'd have the ammo and the cold mental capacity to make sure we all stayed safe. And it's an obvious fact that he'd do the right thing and put you out of your misery, were you infected by the horrible walking dead. In an effort to be prepared, we wrote Ted Nugent a letter to discuss the plan:

Dear Mr. Nugent,

We've admired your work for a long time now, and we feel you have a deep understanding of an American's right to freedom. We're sure you're aware that the zombie apocalypse is looming large on the horizon. To that end, we were hoping to rent your Michigan ranch, Sunrize Acres, in order to develop our counter-zombie forces. We've amassed our own equipment and munitions, but your acreage and terrain would be the ideal training ground. We hope very much that you will also consider joining our force. We believe you could offer invaluable resources and leadership to the cause.

Sincerely,

Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Here's what we got back from Ted:

Dear Crazies,

It's no surprise that you want to shack up with the Motor City Madman in his fortress: The Wango Tango Stranglehold. We all know that it's going to be a free-for-all when the dead rise from the depths of Hell and come for your meager portions of gray matter. Heads will roll, and the world will be paralyzed in a state of shock. Not me, though, because I take no prisoners.

No doubt, we would have to repopulate the world from the chosen few confined to the safety of my confines. I wonder if a bunch of weekend warriors like yourself could handle that, though. My love is like a tire iron.

I'm afraid I can't allow you to join me during the darkness. I just don't think you can take me high enough.

I'm sorry for your troubles.

Sincerely,
The Nuge

p.s. Cat Scratch Fever

Damn, Mitchell. What are we going to do? Are the zombies going to get us? Ted was supposed to lead us to safety. I'm scared. I got a thousand knives, and all, but I just keep praying that this doesn't result in death by misadventure.

You know what I think? I think fuck the Nuge. We'll just have to go to the drawing board and plan out our own fortified zombie escape.



Right. When everyone else is scattering like street rats, we'll be straight up stormtroopin' and the Nuge will be begging to join our force. So ... now what?


I guess we need to get to work thinking about what we're going to do.