Thursday, October 9, 2008

The Right To Bear Arms-- Against The Undead!

It is time. The battle lines have been drawn, and new information has come to light. As we draw nearer to All Hallows' Eve, we must choose the leader of the Counter Zombie Insurgency, because River and his people have exposed their Pro-Zombie agenda. We must be ready to fight. Furthermore, we have to outdo them.

To that end, we are hosting a contest to elect that leader. In order to determine who has the best plan, we'll need our faithful readers to come together to demonstrate their capabilities to lead us to salvation. We've amassed a catalog of items and have an allowance of $1,000 for each candidate. Whoever can best use their allowance and most creatively hatch a plan to ensure the safety of the human race will win.

Points will be awarded for use of visual aids and photographs. While we've provided a list of supplies, finding base camp and shelter is entirely up to you. You may acquire your base through either legal or illegal means. Those means may be called into judgment for better or worse, but don't let it get in the way of your plan. Just post it in the comments section, and we'll do the rest.


Flame thrower--$100
Fully stocked First Aid kit--$20
PowerWheelz Barbie Jeep--$45
Box of ammo--$10
Sixteen inch novelty bow tie--$15
The Nuge--$62.99
Sarah Palin blow up doll--$25
20 LB Propane tank--$40
Hunting knife--$50
Cardboard cutout of Henry Winkler as the Fonz--$15
MagLite with charger--$20
Al Qaeda brand box cutter--$5
100 ft. nylon rope--$10
Duct tape--$2

5 gallon jug of water--$5
Brick of government cheese--$2
Pop Rocks--$0.50/pack
Canned foods of all kinds--$0.50 ea
Case of Natural Ice--$7
Al Qaeda con queso in a can--$0.75
Organic soy cheese--Free
750ml Skol vodka--$5

All contestants will earn a featured spot in the hallowed pages of Shoulda Woulda Coulda, but only one entrant will win the coveted first prize: for Illinois winners, a viewing of the film Quarantine with Nora; for Kansas winners, a viewing of the film with Mitchell, and for those who aren't lucky enough to live near SWC principals, we will hook you up with two tickets in your own city. But we won't buy the popcorn and Jujubees.


Mitchell said...

Good luck to you all. It should be a heck of a challenge.

Anonymous said...

Pfft Jujubees, that's why you humans are doomed for failure. Everyone knows DOTS are the superior candy.

Jude said...

Nora,you forgot to put White Castles on your list....a couple of bags apiece combined with the Natural Ice and I guarantee even the Undead will not be able to get near us....this all comes from a lifetime of experience...they don't call HIM the Great Pooh-Pah for nothing!!!
PS.glad to see you back,Mitchell

Nora said...

I hear that, Juderonomy. I should add it in, but now it's too late. If someone were clever, they might find a way to incorporate White Castles into their plan.

Anonymous said...

First off, I want to say that I am violating my own personal rules by even discussing this plan on how to deal with the zombies. Even when dead, those brain eating bastages manage to retain some aspects of their former selves and have been known to use that information to infiltrate hiding spots where they proceed to eat the brains of their former friends. So with that in mind, I am spending $200 on a shotgun to personally defend myself because, if the movies have taught me anything, I'm going to run into one of you in your undead form somewhere down the line.

Ok, with that out of the way, lets get down to business. The United States has over 300 million people. Keeping that in mind, I've decided that the appropriate thing to do is to flee once Z-Day is upon us. Where to go? I'm glad you asked because we are all going to head to ....Wasilla, Alaska! Look at the positives, its got a total population of less than 10 thousand, the state has a Governor that is capable of dropping a moose from a helicopter, imagine what she could do to zombies, and lastly there is ice on the ground most of the year, so its going to be hard for them to sneak up on you when they are falling on their undead asses every few seconds.

This is a mult-pronged plan, so we will also proactively take it to our undead adversaries. So, we will pay The Nuge his $62.99 appearance fee and charge him with assassinating key members of the pro-zombie movement. Considering his flamboyant opposition to our cause, I would label River as a high quality target. Since he is a rock star, The Nuge can simply materialize on a stage in one of Riv's favorite drinking establishments. After doing a few shots together, The Nuge will use a special silver guitar pick to take River out of commission. I know silver is meant for Werewolves, but after seeing some of Riv's pictures, I think its better to be safe than sorry. In a bit of zombie irony, The Nuge will proceed to eat River's brains in front of the cheering crowd. Since this action will likely turn The Nuge into a zombie himself, he will drink a can of soda while simultaneously eating a pack of Pop Rocks. The resulting explosion will rid us of an even more Undead Nuge as well as any of Riv's pro-zombie followers.

As the leader of the Anti-Zombie movement, I will require transportation. Because of this, $45 bones will be dropped on the Powerwheelz Barbie Jeep. I anticipate the government's response to the zombie threat to be weak and inefficient. So, while we survive, we are going to need a lot of booze. So lets just drop $500 bucks on vodka. As it is cold in Alaska, we will need to find ways to stay warm. Instead of spending a hundred bucks on a generator, we are going to stay warm using body heat. Anticipating that there probably wont be enough women to go around, we will have to set aside some of the budget on Blow Up Sarah Palin dolls. If need be, people can just reuse the same one over and over again. After all, there are starving kids in Africa without Sarah Palin Blow Up Dolls.

According to Al Gore, the global warming problem should be enough to melt all the zombies away within a few years. To last that long, we will use about $100 bucks on Cheetos and canned foods. I'm not going to waste money on water. I'm crazy right? Crazy like a fox! Remember, we are in Alaska, and we will have lots of water once the ice starts melting! So there you have it, throw in some gubment cheese for $20 bucks and the rest will be used on Rope and Duct Tape for those who oppose my leadership. In a few years, we rebuild the human race with lots and lots of sex.

$200 Shotgun
$50 ammo
$500 vodka
$45 Barbie Powerwheelz
$62.99 The Nuge
$1 Pop Rocks and Can of Coke
$50 Sarah Palin Blow Up Dolls
$50 Canned Food/Cheetoes
$20 Goverment Cheese
$10 Nylon Rope
$10 Duct Tape

Total: $998.99

Nora said...

Damn. You brought the noise, Mike. We will have to ponder our choices. You and Jude both have wicked plans. I may have to reach out to our readers to vote. Thank you for your thoughtful response!