Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween!

It's that time of year everyone. Today was a wonderful day. Baby Cakes scored mad amounts of candy dressed up as a little lion and I am now exhausted. But not so exhausted I cannot announce the winners to the Anti-Zombie Plan winners.

Congratulations to Jude and Yawgsmulder for their awesome entries. Mitchell and I decided to call it a draw, and not because there were only two entries. They were equally detailed, convincing and hilarious. We shall reward you both accordingly.

Now for the fun part: everyone read and enjoy the entries. Since I believe in ladies first, here's Jude's:

Now I'm probably NOT the most likely candidate for a leader, but I do
have the beginnings of a plan. First the locale ... I'm thinking
California, specifically the Hollywood area.The climate is much nicer
than it is here in Illinois, and fits into my basic plan. I think the
Base Camp should be Fredericks of Hollywood, which is where the FIRST
LINE of DEFENSE will start.

Since the Undead want flesh and brains, this is where it all falls
into place. We gather all the "Starlets" and put them on the front
line ... why you ask? Because they have very little flesh of their
own due to extreme dieting and silicone enhancements. And Lord knows
there isn't a lot of gray matter. That should keep the UN busy for a
while trying to figure that mess out.

Now, with me as your Leader,( who at my age doesn't have as much flesh
as gristle) I will have my Power Wheelz Barbie Jeeps(@ $45.00 apiece)
strapped to my feet and be marshaling our second line of defense.
Here's where the beauty comes in ... we have five staggered lines of
Con Queso eating, Natural Ice swilling, flame throwing belchers. With
every burp, a trigger pull will advance the flames ever farther to be
followed up by a platoon of the SKOLers!!!

SKOLers have the ability to think they are invincible (to wit, any
Saturday night at 3am in a bar parking lot!!) After the UN sees that
spectacle, I'm fairly sure that they will retreat to the crypt of
their choice and beg the Underworld to leave them there.

My budget:
5 flame throwers 500.00
2 setspowerWheelz@45.00 90.00
60 bottles of Skol 300.00
14 cases Natural Ice 98.00
total $988.00

A savings on the budget of 12.00. Better than Wall Street can do!
Anyone can smuggle whatever they want into camp,especially White
Castles. They would only add to the fight!!


And now, Yawgsmulder's award-winning entry:

First off, I want to say that I am violating my own personal rules by even discussing this plan on how to deal with the zombies. Even when dead, those brain eating bastages manage to retain some aspects of their former selves and have been known to use that information to infiltrate hiding spots where they proceed to eat the brains of their former friends. So with that in mind, I am spending $200 on a shotgun to personally defend myself because, if the movies have taught me anything, I'm going to run into one of you in your undead form somewhere down the line.

Ok, with that out of the way, lets get down to business. The United States has over 300 million people. Keeping that in mind, I've decided that the appropriate thing to do is to flee once Z-Day is upon us. Where to go? I'm glad you asked because we are all going to head to ....Wasilla, Alaska! Look at the positives, its got a total population of less than 10 thousand, the state has a Governor that is capable of dropping a moose from a helicopter, imagine what she could do to zombies, and lastly there is ice on the ground most of the year, so its going to be hard for them to sneak up on you when they are falling on their undead asses every few seconds.

This is a mult-pronged plan, so we will also proactively take it to our undead adversaries. So, we will pay The Nuge his $62.99 appearance fee and charge him with assassinating key members of the pro-zombie movement. Considering his flamboyant opposition to our cause, I would label River as a high quality target. Since he is a rock star, The Nuge can simply materialize on a stage in one of Riv's favorite drinking establishments. After doing a few shots together, The Nuge will use a special silver guitar pick to take River out of commission. I know silver is meant for Werewolves, but after seeing some of Riv's pictures, I think its better to be safe than sorry. In a bit of zombie irony, The Nuge will proceed to eat River's brains in front of the cheering crowd. Since this action will likely turn The Nuge into a zombie himself, he will drink a can of soda while simultaneously eating a pack of Pop Rocks. The resulting explosion will rid us of an even more Undead Nuge as well as any of Riv's pro-zombie followers.

As the leader of the Anti-Zombie movement, I will require transportation. Because of this, $45 bones will be dropped on the Powerwheelz Barbie Jeep. I anticipate the government's response to the zombie threat to be weak and inefficient. So, while we survive, we are going to need a lot of booze. So lets just drop $500 bucks on vodka. As it is cold in Alaska, we will need to find ways to stay warm. Instead of spending a hundred bucks on a generator, we are going to stay warm using body heat. Anticipating that there probably wont be enough women to go around, we will have to set aside some of the budget on Blow Up Sarah Palin dolls. If need be, people can just reuse the same one over and over again. After all, there are starving kids in Africa without Sarah Palin Blow Up Dolls.

According to Al Gore, the global warming problem should be enough to melt all the zombies away within a few years. To last that long, we will use about $100 bucks on Cheetos and canned foods. I'm not going to waste money on water. I'm crazy right? Crazy like a fox! Remember, we are in Alaska, and we will have lots of water once the ice starts melting! So there you have it, throw in some gubment cheese for $20 bucks and the rest will be used on Rope and Duct Tape for those who oppose my leadership. In a few years, we rebuild the human race with lots and lots of sex.

$200 Shotgun
$50 ammo
$500 vodka
$45 Barbie Powerwheelz
$62.99 The Nuge
$1 Pop Rocks and Can of Coke
$50 Sarah Palin Blow Up Dolls
$50 Canned Food/Cheetoes
$20 Goverment Cheese
$10 Nylon Rope
$10 Duct Tape

Total: $998.99


That was kick ass, you two. Thanks for entering and showing all the schmos standing by the sidelines how it's done!


Jude said...

River should pony up with some one tripped on him,you shouldn't have to shoulder the whole prize package....Yawgs& me...scared all on "Chaotic....." SWC RULES...........

Mike said...

Woohoo, yay us! Hope everyone had a happy Halloween.

Anonymous said...

I hope everyone had a good halloween.

The problem with hedonism, which I fully support any contest on my site that requires work is kind of doomed to failure. I should of known better.

Mike what were you for Halloween? traitorous cur!

As for me ponying up for prizes...
Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy..I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis punitor delicatum!"...It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get *NOTHING*! You lose! Good day sir!

Thats from Willy Wonka btw. The good version with Gene Wilder.

Nora said...

That is awesome, Riv. Mike, email me so I can figure out how to reward your brilliance. Jude, Tin Fish is your prize!

Luke Baggins said...

My halloween was far away, but awesome in its own way. It took me a while to write up, cause I'm not well practiced at this writing thing: