Thursday, May 29, 2008

Juderonomy Versus Nature

She's back and she's pissed off. My mother versus Mother Nature: It's a battle royale!

I have been in hibernation way too long this year; usually I'm out by the end of March. The trees and grass are green, despite the constant chill, but summer is upon us and I've made the effort to emerge despite the cold temps. My fortitude was not duly rewarded: my two worst nemesis (nemisi?) are back. We have lived here for over thirty years,and until about five or six years ago we never had these problems.

First it sounded like someone was knocking on the front door at 6:30am,so I went to the door ... no one there. I went back to my snug little bed to try and eke out another twenty minutes.Tap,Tap,Tap ... again, I get up, go to the door... Nobody! Now I'm up and awake, not happy, but vertical. I take my coffee to the back porch and notice pink fluffy material on the deck. I don't have a clue what it is, so I just sweep it up and go back to my coffee. As I wander around the house trying to decide what chores I'm not going to do, I hear the Tapping again; correct, no one there.

Now there is tapping at the back of the house, and more pink fluff scattered around. I look up and there IT is. A woodpecker is drilling holes in the wood siding and pulling out the pink insulation. He has opened a hole about the size of Delaware. What the hell do I do now? Yelling has no effect on it, and throwing something isn't going to work because I have the pitching arm of a two year old.

I went to the kitchen and got a roll of tin foil, picked up a putter and went upstairs to the deck near where the offense had taken place. I could just barely reach the hole. I made long strips of foil and attached them to the end of the putter, and stretched out and stuffed the hole with my silvery flags.

I called the Illinois Extension Service which is supposed to help with problems that occur in nature. I was so happy when the woman I talked to told that woodpeckers are an endangered species. NO SHIT! Of course they are when they do thousands of dollars of damage to your home, you're going to want to take them down, so to speak.She recommended that I hang a plastic owl or maybe some rubber snakes from the eaves. We tried it ... didn't work.

By now the neighbors are ready to declare us insane (where have they been?) and the damn woodpecker is still merrily drilling away,and the back of our house looks like the set of the Munsters. But just as I am ready to break a few federal laws said endangered species disappeared! On the news a week or so later we saw that the space shuttle launch had been delayed because the had a problem with ... woodpeckers! So for once the Feds had really been helpful to a tax payer

Now to problem two, and I don't think this one is going to go to Florida. Squirrels. I'm not sure if it's just one, or man; they all look the same to me. And I don't believe that they are on any Endagered Species list, except mine. It,or they, keep trying to gnaw their way in and more damage is happening. My family is disinclined to let me buy firearms, I guess a person who stuffs the back of her house with six foot strips of tin foil might be considered in some circles as suspect. I'm not going to be happy until I can find a way to rid myself of this pest. They're nothing but furry rats!!

Of course if I rid my self of this animal, I shudder to think what may show up next...


Nora said...

Ah, just send them to Kamp Kenny--Where Animals Go To Die!

Jude said...

Nora,the animals just don't die at Kamp you give them Grape Kool-Aid?? If you have a secret potion you better tell me.
Dad did get me a pellet gun,wahoo!Now I sit on the back porch,in my rocking chair,locked & loaded(the gun,not me)looking like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies.

Mitchell said...

I worry that your problem will only get bigger if you're not careful, Jude. First woodpeckers, then squirrels. Get rid of the squirrels and what's next? Beavers? Lumberjacks?

How would you like a yard full of the Brawny man?

Nora said...

Somehow I don't see Jude sniping Brawny with her pellet gun.

Mom, it's more of a Lenny thing than a David Koresh thing over here.

It occurred to me that I haven't updated everyone on the latest with the crazy neighbors with the St. Bernards. More on that later.

Anonymous said...

Have we learned nothing from Cartoons, a 16 ton weight stragically placed under birdseed will get rid of the crazy woodpecker...make sure to wear Acme rocket boots as well.

As for the squirral, does a mole in a morrocan hat follow him around?

Jude said...

Beavers are OK,they make nice coats!And Brawny Men are good to look at on a sunny day.I don't have a bird feeder,just brings more squirrels,and the birds crap all over...not a big fan of Nature, I guess.