Friday, April 11, 2008

Trigger Tosser

"Man, I can't wait for my short stack, steak, eggs, hamburger and meatloaf to get here," The Blurg said, tapping the table. "Fighting crime all night really drains the ol' gut."

The waitress came by and refilled coffees. She looked confused at the three costumed patrons sitting in the booth. One took up a side to himself. The other was occupied by a ratty young gentleman covered in body hair and a semi-attractive woman with her breasts hoisted nearly to her chin by an armor plate.

"Your food will be ready in just a few minutes," the waitress said before leaving.

"Hey, Danger Lady, you did a kickass job tonight," Mongoose Man said to her breasts.

Danger Lady scooted closer to the wall to increase the distance between them. "Thanks ... you, too."

"Oh man! Did you see when I belly flopped that guy from on top of the dumpster?" The Blurg heaved forward, shaking the table.

"Pretty sweet," Mongoose Man replied. He contemplated in his coffee for a moment. "Can I ask you guys a question""

They both nodded.

"Well, do you guys ever think that ... maybe if we were better at what we did, the city would no longer be rampant with crime? Then we wouldn't have to do what we did. You know?"

"No," Danger Lady shook her head. "I've never thought of that."

"Look," The Blurg pointed to the door. "Here comes that new guy."

"Oh yeah. I've seen him around," Danger Lady said.

A dark man, clad in all leather approached. He hefted a huge bag over his shoulder. He turned a cold gaze to their table.

"Hey, buddy," Mongoose Man said. "You're the new crime fighter in town. How you doin'?"

"I'm doing OK," he said in a gruff voice.

"What's your name?" Danger Lady asked.

"Trigger Tosser."

"Trigger Tosser? What ... uh ... do you do, Trigger Tosser?" she asked.

The bag clanked to the ground, hanging slightly open to reveal a multitude of different hand guns.

"I throw guns," he said.

Everyone at the table exchanged a perplexed glance.

"You throw guns?" The Blurg inquired.

"Yep."

Mongoose Man cocked his head. "Wouldn't it be easier to shoot them?"

"Not for me."

"Couldn't you throw something else?" Danger Lady said.

"Only guns."

"Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." The Blurg sat back and slurped his coffee. "I mean, that's gotta cost a bundle; all them guns. And are they loaded? Please tell me you're not dumb enough to throw loaded guns at your enemies."

"Never loaded. Not since that night ..." Trigger trailed off, looking at the ground.

"Well ... You can sit with us, if you want," Danger Lady said.

Trigger moved to take a seat next to The Blurg, but was blocked by Mongoose Man's foot.

"Actually, maybe you'd be better off sitting with another pathetic crime fighter. Over there, that's the Horned Toad. He shoots blood out of his eye socket to scare off villains. Only problem is that after he can't do shit for several hours, due to loss of blood."

The Horned Toad slumped over his table down the way. "Could I please have some orange juice," he mumbled.

"Throws guns," Mongoose Man muttered to himself. "Have you ever heard of a more ridiculous thing? I mean what kind of a dumbass trick is tha-" He saw a flash of light as a glock collided with the side of his head. "... fuck ... "

"I don't need to eat with you, dumb fucker," Trigger said. He heaved his bag from the ground with a grunt and lurched toward the Horned Toad's table.

3 comments:

Nora said...

I about died. This is hysterical, Mitchell.

Luke Baggins said...

Have you seen Mystery Men? "...that's one of the best non-lethal military vehicles ever made!"

See it if you haven't.

Ratherto said...

Damn it! Now how am I supposed to fight crime? Tossing guns is the only thing I'm good at! Thanks a bunch Mitchell!

Seriously though...Fucking Hilarious!