Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hey, You Are the Boss of Me!

Readers, you were all so helpful with the whole Incredible Barking Dog Sextet issue that we've actually started getting letters from other people hoping you would weigh in with your infinite wisdom. Instead of dealing with unruly dogs and inconsiderate neighbors, today we're fielding a question from a lovelorn modern man. Read, respond and discuss:

Dear Shoulda Woulda Coulda,

Love...everybody wants to find it. Some think they do, but it turns out not to be true. Some run from it only to have it smack them in the face one day. Still others tend to want it so bad even after being hurt time and time again.

I am a member of that third party. My whole life all I wanted was someone who loved me. Now, I wasn't an orphan or abused as a child, it just seems that I've always been looking for that certain woman who would make me feel complete. About six months ago I thought I had found her.

I'm not going to be a dick and name names, but I am going to make it specific enough that if she ever reads this she will know it's about her. For now let's call her Becky. Becky and I met through a mutual friend. I was attracted to her immediately. Like always, I assumed she would want nothing to do with me, but throughout the night we talked, drank and played music on the jukebox. It was a pretty good night.

Long story short, we ended up at my place. Most would write this off as a one night stand, but I'm not like that and I felt different with her. The next day I called her, and she was excited to hear from me, because she was assumed that I just wanted to bang her and move on. She said she felt the same way about me, too and we started dating.

For the first month and a half things went as expected. We both worked and saw each other on the weekends, taking it very slow. I knew I was in love after that first night, but I kept it to myself. She had just gotten out of a long-term relationship, and I didn't want to scare her off.

We would spend evenings sitting on her porch swing smoking, holding each other and talking about our lives and what we both wanted from them. We got to the point where we would say, "I'm abnormally fond of you" instead of "I love you". That way we didn't have to commit to anything.

After another month we started getting more serious. We introduced each other to our respective families. My family loved her, her family loved me so things were great. We talked about our future together, moving in together, having a baby, all the things that a committed couple talks about.

Fast forward a month: she dropped a bombshell on me. She wanted to see other people. I asked her if she had anyone in mind. She said no, that commitment freaks her out. I relented, because she is the first girl I've truly ever loved. I mean loved. I would have done anything for her. I would have died for her.

Then things got weird. She started blowing me off on the weekends; not every weekend, maybe once a month. I asked her why she was pushing me away. She said she wasn't. She had a former colleague over to her house one time during the week and wouldn't let me come over to meet him. She started telling me that she was worried about him because he was involved in hard drugs. I told her that she should be supportive, but keep him at arm's length. She agreed and that was the last I heard of it.

Valentine's Day came and went without incident. We were together and had a good time. She bought a really thoughtful gift and I thought all was right in the world. Little did I know things were about to change drastically.

When we got into March, things started getting real bad. She would make plans with other people and not invite me. She would only have me over during the week, telling me that she was really busy on the weekends now. That's about the time that I started getting really suspicious. I know some of you are saying,"Really? Just now?" My only defense is that not only is love blind, but it's blinding, too. I started putting things together and doing some serious checking on things--my Dad is a cop, investigation is in my nature. That's when everything fell into place. She was seeing her "friend" with the drug problem. Oh, yeah. Did I mention he's married, too?

This is where my already low self esteem hit rock bottom. She would rather be with a married junkie than me? I'm far from perfect (although I do have a sweet ass), but come on! So, I went to her and told her that I couldn't do it anymore. If we were going to be together, it had to be just us. She told me she couldn't, that she loved both of us. There was no way I was going to be involved in that. In conclusion, I broke up with her and tried to sever all contact.

Which brings me to my problem. She wants us to be friends now. My brain is screaming, "NO, DON'T DO IT." But my heart wants to so bad it hurts. So this is the question I pose to all of you. What do I do? I'm sure I've left out a lot of info, but this is the watered down gist of it. So I throw myself on the mercy of the blog. Please give me some advice.

Not In The Market For Sloppy Seconds

PS - Don't feel the need to be serious. I could use the laugh.


Nora said...

Know what, Not In The Market? You already know the answer to your question. In fact, the best advice I can give you is the advice you gave your lady love when she started dealing with her, uh, troubled friend, you know, the married junkie?

If you're going to deal with her, be nice but keep her at arm's length.

Usually, when people want to stay friends with their exes, especially exes who still carry a torch, it's for two reasons:

1. They don't want you to hate them. If you hate them, they have to feel like the asshole, and they don't want that.

2. They want to make sure you're still available to them if they need reassurance, sex or ... reassurance.

Don't be a security blanket. I'm not saying exes can't be friendly, but I think it's asking a lot to actively be friends with an ex. It hasn't been that long since you broke up with her. If you're still worked up about her and you try to be friends, you're just inviting a shit storm into your life.

Drama is exciting, but this seems like a volatile and potentially dangerous situation. My advice is to keep your distance.

Anonymous said...

Well my friend I know how you feel.

First off, if you remain friends what do you expect, her to come to her senses. To realize what a fool she been and come running back. The problem with expectations of other people they are rarely met. In zen to remove suffering, you must remove desire. Your expectations is your desire, if she doesn't meet them you will cause undo suffering upon yourself. I say cut the cord, but tell her the truth.

Also I want to point out, if she is the other woman with a married man, obviously her moral compass is skewed. If she's the cheatee, it's a short jump to cheater. Another argument to leave her behind.

As I read your statement, I see your letter peppered with low self-esteem. This event is no way about you. You can't control her, all you can control is you, and your actions. Maybe she feels unworthy of your love, and has self esteem issues herself, or maybe she has a florence nightingale complex and feels she needs to help this loser. A girl I loved very much once told me, "How can I love someone, who doesnt love themeselves." Love yourself, live your life for yourself. A girl will notice that you love your life, and she will want to be a part of it.

Nora said...

You killed it, Rivs. Bam. Like that.

Luke Baggins said...

I agree with what Nora said, only I see a possibly more sinister side to the way she's dealt with you. Sometimes "let's see other people" comes from honestly wanting to have an open relationship, and sometimes it comes from wanting to dump someone but being unwilling to pull the trigger. That last one sounds nice, and it sort-of comes from a place of compassion and all that, but it's really quite a bit more cruel than just dumping someone. Another thing that "lets see other people" can mean is: "let's see how much shit you'll take."

Her actions as you've described them are not consistent with someone who gives a fuck about you at all. Is that because she's failed to understand the way you feel? Or is it because she hasn't tried? This would make her an asshole and a liar every time she claimed to care about you. Or is it because she knows exactly how you feel and gets reassurance in watching you suffer for her? This would make her seriously toxic and someone you need to either stop feeling strongly about (if you can) or stay far away from. Feelings can't be turned on and off quickly, but they can be retrained with time and careful thought.

Another question that you should build a thorough case file full of evidence on is why do you feel this way for someone that doesn't show much consideration for you? Is it because she is really worthy of those kinds of feelings? Or do you have some fucked up issue where you respect a woman more if she shits on you. I've known guys like that. Actually this last question is a lot more important than the first because you have much better access to your own thoughts and feelings than to hers.

If she's hot and wants post-breakup sex, I would say go for it--but only if it's just sex with a hot chick to you. And it sounds like it wouldn't be that way.

If, on the other hand, going over all the details of your time together reveals that you have a good reason for feeling the way you do about her and not a fucked up sick one, then maybe it is worthwhile to talk to her and be her friend.

Nora said...

Luke says:

If she's hot and wants post-breakup sex, I would say go for it--but only if it's just sex with a hot chick to you. And it sounds like it wouldn't be that way.

I think that's dangerous for your emotional state and potentially for your dick. What if she's careless? If you were to have the sex with her, be careful. That's some high-risk behavior. I'm not being judgmental, I'm being sensible. Head to toe latex if you're considering it, homeboy.

Jude said...

Dear Not...,
I think you just may have dodged a very large bullet..your exs desire to be with a married junkie gives a look at what she deems important in her life.Either she has a HUGE saviour complex,or she is as dumb as dirt,and also likes the drama of her tawdry existance.It appears that you didn't need saving,and seem to be a normal(I don't know you,so I'm just guessing here)guy..No matter what happens,heed what else has been said....Run, don't walk away

Nora said...

Juderonomy has spoken. You cannot deny the wisdom.

Slippy said...

You have to agree with Juderonomy. RUN RUN RUN! And, I believe Nora hit it right on with her two reasons why you would stay friends.
We aren't in high school anymore where you casually go from friend to friend. It is nearly impossible to stay friends with an ex at our stage in life, because love and commitment are serious priorities to most of us and if one person isn't into it, do you really think you can stand seeing them anymore and being constantly reminded of how you felt?

No one should have that type of control over you to make you doubt that you are a wonderful person. And, due to me knowing probably more than I should or often want to -- aren't you being guilty of trying to save her?

Mitchell said...


It's hard to see when you're in it, but it's easy to call when you're not.

I agree with the general consensus. I think you should get out.

If you feel the need to be friends with her, set limits on it. Definitely don't expect her to be your best friend.


The second you think she's dragging you along, get the fuck out, dude. And sure as shit don't become the guy she depends on for stuff.

Don't mow the bitch's lawn. Don't fix the bitch's sink. Don't even give her a ride.

Don't let her get sex from someone else while you're doing all the other stuff. That's a raw deal.

Tara said...

Dude. Ditch the codependence. Love yourself. Stop being so needy. Then you shall find true love.

Becky said...

Ziggy is wise, Ziggy speaks truth. Take Ziggy's advice.

the hero in heroin said...

you have to be in it to leave it. wanting to be in it doesn't make you in it. news: you're not in it.

it sounds like you got your heart broke--welcome to the fucking club. get over it, nancy.

do you really think you were at the point of having kids and being married after only a few months? sounds like the issues lie with you more than with her.

in this sissy-dr. phil world, all these people are massaging your "pain". dude, ask your cop dad to investigate why you're such a pussy.

grow the fuck up. life isn't fair. move on.

Mitchell said...

Thanks for the comment, douche.

Jolly Old St. Nick said...

What doesn't Santa like? Whiners.

Nora said...

The Heroin Hero dude wrote:

in this sissy-dr. phil world, all these people are massaging your "pain". dude, ask your cop dad to investigate why you're such a pussy.

--Awesome, dude. You sound rather bitter. After all, you invited him to join the club. What did you do to massage your pain, I wonder? Whatever it is, *cough*shooting up*cough* I'm sure you and Jolly Old Douche, here, are in no position to talk. Isn't it great how you can appear so much cooler on the internet than you are in real life?