Dear Readers,
If there's one thing I love, it's an advice column. But the thing is, I don't think it would be responsible writing for me to offer advice-- I'm the one who needs guidance. Life isn't too tough for me out here on the compound, I have to say, but there are times I just don't know what to do.
That is why this column was created: so you, my readers, can tell me what to do. Boss me around. It'll be fun. If I take your advice, I should probably let you know how it goes. If it's purposely bad counsel and I take it, hilarity should ensue.
Here's my first issue.
I got these neighbors, right? They just moved in about a year ago, and I immediately noticed their two St. Bernards. I knew I would come to hate these dogs, especially the big one with the incongruously high-pitched and never ending yap. I know--a dog's gotta bark. I get it.
Ken and I have talked about who should reach out to the neighbors, let them know we were on the brink of sniping the dogs from the roof. When Ken did talk to the dude, said his dogs were driving us nuts, he actually played dumb and asked him, "Why, what's the problem?"
Yeah, the two dogs were noisy, sure. But not to worry--this winter, they decided to have a litter. Now there are six St. Bernards barking outside my door from six am to ... whenever they want to let them back in. The noise is bad. They're high-strung and totally obnoxious and they're driving us closer to toward madness every day.
What's a girl to do, readers? What is the lazy and passive-aggressive woman's solution to this problem? Lay it on me.
Signed,
I Hate Those Fucking Dogs
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21 comments:
Here's what you do,
You unleash venomous cobras into their yard to kill the dogs. Then you let several mongooses loose to take care of the cobras.
After that, your only issue with your neighbors would be their annoying pet mongooses.
I think it was Sun Tzu who said "The enemy of my enemy is my friend." Find out what other neighbors also hate those dogs. Find out if there are laws in your town, or county the preclude a number of pets usually there is. Have those neighbors sign a petition bring it before town hall the viola problem taking care off.
Oh wait your lazy, leave ex-lax all over the border of your yard embedded in snausages, if they eat it the dogs will get the runs. Making your neighbors life hell as well.
Brilliant. Good start.
Mitchell, I'll have to see where I can get some mongeese. Mongooses. Mongeeses. Whatever.
River, wise words. I like your Eastern approach. Oh, and the Ex-Lax idea, too.
N
ALWAYS go with your first instinct. Sniping them from the roof sounds like a wonderful idea. Think of the family bonding over shooting. Imagine the smile on your little one's face when they get to snipe their first animal. Remember, family is the most important thing!
Well, it's funny you should mention family fun, Ratherto. Ken keeps hassling me to get the baby a passport picture so he can get his official gun card. He's not even a year old yet!
Nora,
I was just kidding, obviously. But now I am scared of your husband.
Later
-R
You should have seen him when he heard Charlton Heston died. It was like a one-man hippie commune finding out about Jerry Garcia.
I watched Omega Man, Planet of the Apes, and The Ten Commandments in Mr. Hestons Honor. Damn Dirty Apes.
Oh! Better idea!
Rig up a CD player pointing at your neighbors' house to a switch inside. Every time the dogs start barking, you'll flip the switch and bombard them with Who Let the Dogs out.
That's eye for a motherfuckin' eye right there.
Here's what you do. This is going to take time, but it'll be worth it. You kidnap the dogs and brainwash them into hating your neighbors as well. Then when you return them, they will kill their family. Oh and what's this, they get put down because they are dangerous. It's a win-win scenario. Now that I think about it..that's coming from a pretty dark place today. I'd stick to shooting them.
Later
-R
I'm not gonna say that ain't brilliant, Ratherto, and seeing as it's almost ten pm and the dogs are still at it, it's tempting.
I think I'm going to take an element of River's advice, which is to get the neighbors all riled up and find a way to brainwash the dogs into submission.
Or I could call Cook County Animal Control. Six fucking dogs? Really? They have to be breaking a law of some kind.
I'm sorry for Ken's loss. I can feel his pain. I'm not usually affected when celebrities die, but when Gary Gygax, creator of D&D and shaper of my 11-19 years died, I felt something. I was reminded of that day when I was 10 and my Dad heard the news about John Lennon.
Speaking of advice columns and celebrity tragedies. Did you hear about Dan Savage's Mom? I've been gobbling up every bit of Savage's archive and all of his books for the past couple of years now and I feel like I almost knew her from the appearances she made in the column and in the books.
I also had a shitty neighbor who had shitty dogs. Someone in the apartment next door said they were going to call animal control after that fuck-head left his one obnoxious dog alone overnight and the retard dog barked all night keeping all of us up. Never heard from that dog after that day. You get a couple of neighbors to call in on this neighbor, you'll probably get some results. Although the mongeese and the rooftop sniping and the ex-lax do sound like more fun. Maybe you can work all three into your solution.
Wow that was a really jarring segue from death and tragedy back to the dogs.
Here's the Savage link for those who haven't already read it:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=550027
How 'bout it, Luke? I think the order of solutions right now is this:
1. Blast the music a la Mitchell.
2. Rabble rouse with the neighbors a la River.
3. Brainwash the dogs a la Ratherto.
4. Write Dan Savage and ask what he would do.
Keep the ideas coming, though. These people are clearly not reasonable.
Okay, for a realistic answer. Nora, I actually talked to my one friend who is actually one of your neighbors and she says that you can leave an anonymous tip through PAWS website and there is an ordinance against how many dogs you can keep and dogs that are left outside all day need to have their own shelters and water supply and if they don't PAWS will remove them from the home. So this way you won't be the bad neighbor(because they will have no clue who reported them), because I don't recall seeing any dog houses set up for all of those pets.
Look at Slippy! Being all rational and whatnot.
Rational?! Fuck that noise!
Someone has to be a rational occasionally. To tell you the truth, my first reaction was rat poison. However, after years of therapy and medication, I have learned to control those psychotic thoughts.
My first reaction was rat poison, too.
For some reason, I thought venomous cobras was a more reasonable option...
Oooooo! Venomous Cobras! I like the idea. I think there are a few people that might benefit from being attacked by venomous cobras. Thanks for the idea Mitchell! Don't worry I'll keep you out of the courts if I get caught.
Later
-R
Now we're cooking with gas!
Slippy, that's most rational, my friend. I wish I could have a conversation with them, but the latest development is they're putting up an one of those invisible fences. I'm not sure how that's gonna work to stop the barking. And there is no evidence of so much as one dog house. These people don't seem to share in your fondness for the rational.
So, I'm keeping your advice in mind. It sounds good to me. I can see the big van coming right now in my mind's eye. All seven kids standing out in the driveway, crying and waving bye-bye to the doggies.
See why this isn't a simple issue? I don't want to reveal myself for the mega-bitch I could totally be and have seven kids clinging to the dogs necks (not that I've ever seen them so much as pet one of them while they're outside barking) as they're being taken away. Maybe PAWS will be really enthusiastic and take some of the kids, too ...
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